Coullian Cuill: Apprentice Ghost Guardian, Riti Bridie, London

WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT?

WHATEVER YOU KNOW ABOUT GHOSTS - FORGET IT.

They don’t haunt, go headless, or vanish in white floaty sheets. But they do reek like foul, rotting flesh. And murder Ghost Guardian Apprentices. At least Sethaliss does, who’s a mean son-of-a-graveyard-ditch.

Something Coullian Cuill might like to know before signing up as the first boy Ghost Guardian Apprentice. Never mind roping in his best friends Rawsy and Killane as the good ghosts’ sworn protectors.

Now all Coullian has to do is battle a bunch of death-crazed fiends rising from the dead on All Souls’ Night – and stay alive.

Easy right...

Illustrations by Alan Graham,

COULLIAN

Coullian

So I’m living this normal life, right – well stuck in a rear-end-of-nowhere village – when all ghostly hell breaks loose. I’m serious, who knew about souls rising from the dead on the Night of All Souls (duh!) to turn good ghost or Grey? No you didn’t, don’t give it to me you did.

Yeah, Grey Ghosts. They stink. Like the guts of humanity roasting on a hell-fired spit. And they’re living among us, which is all you need when you’re suddenly thrust (okay, it was the best thing to come my way – EVER) into Ghost Guardian Apprenticeship training.

To do what? Guard good ghosts, of course. And stop Grey Ghosts from stealing souls, which is a dark delight to them.

How hard could that be?

Illustrations by Alan Graham,

KILLANE

RAWSY

SETHALISS

Sethaliss

What’s that rancid stench creeping up my nostrils like a black-swamp slime?

Oh, it’s YOU!

Human flesh – the most revolting reek this side of the grave. Isn’t it bad enough putting up with that stink every day in the funeral parlour? Yes, bright spark, I’m a Funeral Director. Well, as far as everyone in the village is concerned, and don’t go telling them anything different. Else I’ll be sizing up a custom-made wooden box for you quicker than Satan lures sinners.

That’s when I’m not stealing souls and murdering Ghost Guardian Apprentices, which I’m fiendishly bad at (nothing in a Grey Ghost’s life is ever good).

Must go. Have to roll in a freshly dug grave to juice up my powers. Extendable cracking bones, nerve-numbing breath, and a retractable extra finger don’t snap into life just like that, you know.

Speaking of snapping, you’ve got a lovely neck...

Illustrations by Alan Graham,

Rawsy

What you lookin’ at?

Only the hardest (not around the waist, but don’t tell Killane I’ve coughed up to that) Apprentice’s Assistant there’s ever been. Who cares if Coullian got the top job? At least I don’t have to suffer all that grab-a-Grey-Ghost training. And I tell you, who’d want to be grabbing a dead-skinned ghoul? Because that’s what they are, living and holidaying back here, blowing their cold-boned backsides off; acting all smart-ash and a complete pain in death’s dark hole.

Hang on a bit, just need to adjust my shorts. How come seams always get stuck right in the crease of my big...? Well, you know what I mean. Talking of which, give old Sethaliss a click.

Illustrations by Alan Graham,

Killane

I’m with you, that’s what I thought when Coullian and Rawsy first told me.

Sure ghosts exist. Sure Coullian’s some would-be Ghost Guardian Apprentice. And super sure my brother’s his Assistant. I know. How can Rawsy be my elder brother with a face like that?

And who wants to be someone’s Assistant anyway? I get to wield a chill silver sword that will freeze-peel the skin off you – if you ever touch it. So don’t.

And don’t expect an easy time either. These Grey Ghosts think life’s too short not to live ever after. Whether you’ll ever feel like living after meeting one, though, remains to be seen...

Illustrations by Alan Graham,

AUKRAM

Aukram

Stop backing away. I’m not going to hurt you – YET!

So I kill people. That’s what assassins do. We all gotta do something when we die. And it’s not a bad afterlife existence. Okay, it’s gut-growlingly bad, but now I’m kind of hooked. A bit like my curved black dagger, which is perfect for murdering Ghost Guardian Apprentices.

Illustrations by Alan Graham,

GRANNY SILVERY

Granny Silvery

You’re probably thinking your granny doesn’t look like that. You could be surprised, though. Behind all those tweeds and pearls have you ever wondered if she secretly stashes a rake of chill silver, leather-tipped boots and swords?

Have you even checked for hidden drawers and compartments in her wardrobe? Wondered why she goes out late at night and returns at dawn? Then get right on it, because you might just find that she’s a kick-grey-ash granny like me.

Illustrations by Alan Graham,

HENRICK

Henrick

He needs watching, that Sethaliss, so that’s what I do.

Lurking in the shadows of the funeral parlour (I’m his chief undertaker), keeping my wicked eye on everything he does. Dressing up in red robes of silk like his trained assassins just to annoy him. Maybe it’s a perverted type of pleasure, riling Sethaliss. Like goading the devil when he’s fast asleep; when he doesn’t even know I’m doing it, because he’s too busy preening that ridiculous vanity of his in the mirror.

Illustrations by Alan Graham,

ROUSHUS ROUSE

Roushus Rouse

Oh, hello.

You’re older than I expected. Quite attractive too - in that blood still pumping through your veins sort of way.

All a distant memory for me, I’m afraid, now that I’m back here with rat-tailed hair and a white paper suit. Designer, of course, there’s no need to let standards slip just because you’re dead.

Although technically, I’m a real-life living ghost, who’s actually back here living. And why? Well, to train that boy Apprentice (if he ever makes it) and his best friend gorge-his-backside-off, Rawsy. Don’t tell Rawsy I said that, will you, as I’ve never been good at ducking flying, fat fists.

And don’t worry about the restraining buckles dangling from my suit, it’s a long story. Well, not that long if you get started now...

Illustrations by Alan Graham,

BREMUS BARN

Bremus Barn

Put yourself in Coullian Cuill’s shoes. I dare you. See if you think you’ve got what it takes to become the next Ghost Guardian Apprentice. But be warned, these ghosts aren’t like the spooky ones you’ve met in other ghost stories. These ghost are harsh, scary – and real.

And I should know, as I’m a Ghost Guardian. Just look at me, standing here in only a shirt, impervious to the touch of a ghost’s death-cold skin. Which is exactly what Coullian Cuill must be if he is to complete his training.

Because if Coullian fails, if his carcass-thin body gets slain by an assassin’s blade, then I might just come looking for...

YOU.

Illustrations by Alan Graham,

SPADE

Spade

Digging’s what I do. Graves, see, enough to make my back crack when I stand. Best gravedigger around, and graves always need digging on All Souls’ Night, which is when ghosts rising really kicks-off – once they get back into the afterlife swing of living, that is.

Anyone got a hanky? No. Then I’ll just use my sleeve. Grave dirt’s a killer for getting stuck in my eyes. Something the dead never have to worry about.

Illustrations by Alan Graham,

PRINCESS SITATEH

Princess Sitateh

Some might say I’m beautiful, but then I’ve been a mummy for the last 3,000 years, and who wouldn’t be beautiful after that amount of sleep?

But I woke just in time. For the first time ever there’s a boy Ghost Guardian Apprentice, who doesn’t even know how much his life is in danger. A boy who I feel like I’ve been watching for the last 3,000 years. A boy who even has the same eyes as me. Paradise green. Except Grey Ghosts don’t believe in paradise. They only believe in pain.

Illustrations by Alan Graham,

CURTIS CUILL

Curtis Cuill

Can I help it if I was born with film star looks? Us Cuills – okay, Coullian’s bone-snap body somehow didn’t get the father-and-son briefing on that – come from a long line of lookers.

But looks can be deceptive. Looks can make you feel invincible, as if nothing bad could ever happen to you. That you’ll breeze through life, excel at everything you do.

Well, trust me. That’s where you’d be wrong.

Illustrations by Alan Graham,

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Illustrations by Alan Graham,